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Top 5 Best and Worst Horror Remakes

Written by Trent Daniel

Friday, 02 October 2009

Since Halloween is fast approaching and Hollywood (with remakes of A Nightmare on Elm Street, It’s Alive, Hellraiser and Don’t Look Now either on the way or in production) seems determined to remake every half decent horror film of the past 30 years, I thought this might be a good time to present what I consider the 5 best-and 5 worst-horror remakes. One suggestion: in all 10 cases, at least consider watching the original classics (as all 10 are good and at least worthy of being considered for remakes in the first place).

The 5 Best

The Thing (John Carpenter-1982)

I know I’ve written about The Thing before, but not only is it an improvement over the terrific original, but is arguably the best sci-fi horror film ever made. Carpenter’s brilliant move was changing the monster from a giant, but identifiable figure into a shape shifting monster that can take the form of any living thing, be it a dog or one of the doomed scientists at the Antarctic base. The horrific and gruesome special effects are perhaps one of the best examples of where gore actually helps a film, as it enhances the growing sense of paranoia and isolation that grows during the film. A true horror masterpiece.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (Phillip Kaufman-1977)

The original 50s version by Don Siegel is still very well made and frightening, yet this remake about an invading force of alien pods that gradually replace your friends and neighbors, surpasses it. The truly eerie score, coupled with such startling scenes as a dog with a human face, work together to create a mounting sense of dread and paranoia. Most notably, however, is the final shot. I will not ruin it, but it is still one of the most genuinely terrifying, and downbeat, shots I have ever seen.
The 5 Best- continued

The Fly (David Croenenberg-1986)

Like The Thing, David Croenenberg’s The Fly is not only an improvement over the original, but is one of the few films where gore actually enhances the film. In many ways, the film is the ultimate “Croenenberg” movie, as it best captures the director’s unique obsession with what is happening inside our bodies, and what could result if our bodies might betray us. Jeff Goldblum’s performance, as the victim of a disastrous transporter experiment in which his DNA is mixed with that of a fly, is Oscar worthy. His acting reflects the mental and psychological changes he is going through. Most memorable, however, is the genuinely icky changes his body goes through as he mutates into a hideous man-fly (Also features one of the great gross-out scenes of all time, as Geena Davis has a nightmare about giving birth to the man-fly’s “baby.”)

The Ring (Gore Verbinsky-2002)

While maybe not an improvement over the Japanese original about a menacing girl ghost who can literally scare her victims to death, The Ring does succeed in creating a genuinely eerie atmosphere, as well as some truly effective scares. The shot of the first victim in the closet, her face forever locked in a mask of genuine fright, is horrifying and unforgettable.

Cat People (Paul Schrader-1982)

While the Cat People remake has some good scares, it is better known for being one of the most erotic films Hollywood produced in the 1980s. Natasha Kinski is perfectly cast as a woman doomed to turn into a black panther once she mates with a partner. Her cat like features not only make her extremely sexy in the movie, but also dangerous as well. Also features a strong turn by Malcom MacDowell as her creepy, incestuous cat brother.

The 5 Worst

Black Christmas (Glen Morgan-2006)

Please do not watch this movie. Not only is it one of the worst films I have ever seen, but is also one of the few films that actually angered me. The reason: I think the Bob Clark classic from 1974 is one of the best, and scariest, horror films ever made. This remake, for whatever reason, completely throws out everything that made the original scary! The first one worked because the audience never got a full view of the killer, but instead just glimpses of his shadow, his maniacal voice over the phone and one single horrifying shot of his eye in the crack of a door. In the putrid remake, the villain is not only seen, but his sister (not in the original) joins in as well. Furthermore, genuine suspense is replaced with shots of the villains eating eyeballs (which is fitting since I’d rather have my eyeballs eaten than watch this POS again).

Psycho (Gus Van Sant-1998)

Though Gus Van Sant does have some very good films on his resume (Drugstore Cowboy, Good Will Hunting, Milk), he also has this dreadful stinker, which is more an insult than homage to the Hitchcock masterpiece. Since Van Sant’s strength is character driven dramas, he seems an unwise choice in the first place. The film is also woefully miscast (with Anne Heche and Vince Vaughn awful choices to fill the roles made famous by Janet Leigh and Anthony Perkins) and builds no suspense at all. Even the shower scene is poorly handled. A waste of time.

Halloween (Rob Zombie-2007)

While marginally better than the Black Christmas remake (though that does not say much), Rob Zombie’s remake makes the same basic mistake-it takes out much of what made the original scary. In the brilliant original, Micheal Myers is truly the fearsome boogeyman. The less we know about him, the more frightening he is. In the remake, Myers is given an ugly and unpleasant back story in which he is shown as a neglected child in a dysfunctional family. Instead of the boogeyman, he is simply a serial killer, a product of a white trash family-and much less scary.

The Haunting (Jan de Bont-1999)

Sensing a trend here? The Haunting is yet another remake that tosses away what made the original scary in the first place. The original is a classic example of the “less is more” principle. We never quite see what it is that haunts Hill House in the original, but we know something is there. Thus, simple moments, such as footsteps heard on the floor above, an open door that was previously locked, and a door that seems to be breathing outward, become truly frightening. The remake, however, is a special effects mess. The effects shots do not frighten, but merely draw attention to themselves. Furthermore, a good cast (Liam Neeson, Owen Wilson, Catherine Zeta Jones) is wasted in a truly awful script. (Note: The lovely Ms. Jones unfortunately also gives the worst performance of her career. For some insane reason, she is supposed to have a Brooklyn accent, only for it to turn back into her native Welsh by the end of the movie.)

Thir13en Ghosts (Steve Beck-2001)

The above title spelling is, unfortunately, correct, which helps convey the amount of cheese that went into this remake. The original, a standard haunted house story in which some ghost hunters are recruited to root out a 13th ghost in a haunted mansion and in turn uncover a buried treasure, was good but not great. However, the remake, set in a bizarre glass house, is migraine inducing. Like a bad Michael Bay movie, everything is at a scream level pitch. Dialogue is yelled. The ghost scenes are photographed in flashing manner similar to a strobe light effect. Furthermore, the whole film is so over the top that the ghosts are not scary, but more an annoyance. I couldn’t wait for the film to end so I could go take an aspirin.

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